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Karma: 0 | | RP Tips?
« Thread Started on Jul 3, 2006, 1:43pm » | |
I've been RPing almost a year, and I'd really like help with my RP posts. I've been trying to use good descriptions without using any 'RPG lingo'...because I personally find that annoying...so, yeah. Any hints and tips are appreciated. Here's a post I did for a mustang RP where there are five herds and they are fighting over the whole land...(I didn't make up the plot in any way, I just play the lead stallion of the evil herd (:< ) It's a reply post, but it's my opening post in the thread.
The red earth went on until the distant horizon. The sun was high in the atmosphere, and it glared upon the back of a single black form that was moving steadily in a trot. Sand was kicked up by the pounding of strong hooves; hooves that belonged to a stronger yet stallion.
He was pure ebony, from the tips of his perked ears to the strands of his long unkempt tail flowing out in streams behind him. Not a fleck of white, not even a highlight of a different shade marked this stallion. His head was held highly, and his eyes glimmered dark gray, with a slight reddish hue.
The steady rhythm of his hooves hitting the earth suddenly gave way to the blood chilling sound of crushed bone. The raven stallion paused; he had stepped on the skeleton of some long-forgotten beast that had perished in the dry heat. A smirk grew on his face. Soon I will hear that sound more often; but it will be the other leaders' bones that cripple in my weight, he thought darkly.
His ears perked suddenly as a new scent wafted up into his flaring nostrils. The smells of three horses; two stallions and a colt - one stallion from his herd, and the others trespassers. At once he changed his coarse toward the smell, going at a swift canter now. He would not hesitate to kill off intruders.
Soon the trio of other equines were within his sight. The colt was a dun, and he was laying upon the earth as if injured. Crimson liquid sparkled on his withers. Both stallions were of a chestnut coat. Shetan, the horse from his herd, had his hooves slightly stained with blood also; and Demon easily guessed that he had been the one to deliver the blow. The other was standing between them defensively.
"Not many have trespassed onto my lands and lived to tell the tale," he spoke suddenly, his voice thick with malice. "You two shouldn't be any different."
Meh. That's one of my average posts, on a good day.
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Spark
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Karma: 0 | | Re: RP Tips?
« Reply #1 on Sept 1, 2006, 7:24pm » | |
Ok i'm just going to rewrite it, a bit more elaborated (i may get some things wrong since i don't know the horse but you can change it to personalize it to him.)
Good first paragraph, but you need to discribe him. lets say he's a friesian.
The red earth went on until the distant horizon. The sun was high in the atmosphere, with not a cloud in the sky. Rain had not cursed the earth for many days and this caused the ground to be dry. The sun glared upon the back of a single black form with his pillars forcing him forward, his shoulder rising and falling in a double rhythem. His daggars thudded like thunder onto the flora beneath him, yet his movement was still smooth as glass. Sand was kicked up by the pounding of strong hooves; hooves that belonged to a stronger yet stallion.
He was pure ebony, from the tips of his pinned towers to the strands of his long unkempt tail flowing out in streams behind him. His head was held highly, and his eyes glimmered dark gray, with a slight reddish hue. His optics, though they glimmered they seemed empty, empty like an abandoned playground. His kissers lay blank, not even the smallest smirk surfaced to the top of his visage.
**avoid 2 line paragraphs, if you can put two of them together do so (make sure they are both action or both circumstances etc. or add more discription to them.**
His ears perked suddenly as a new scent wafted up into his flaring nostrils. The scent was of two bastards and a colt, two were tresspassers, bound to death for tresspassing on his lands. At once he changed his coarse toward the smell, his pillars shifting to a triple beat. In what seemed moments the trio was in sight, he moved quicker yet and as he reached their group he skidded to a stop, tossing his cranium and throwing his locks to the sky, only to land neatly back on his neck. Before speaking he took note of the group, The colt was a dun, and he was laying upon the earth as if injured. Crimson liquid sparkled on his withers. Both stallions were of a chestnut coat. Shetan, the horse from his herd, had his hooves slightly stained with blood also; and Demon easily guessed that he had been the one to deliver the blow. The other was standing between them defensively. His cursed jaws seperated and allowed his dull tones to pierce the air as a snake pierces its victem, and soon to be meal.
Not many have trespassed onto my lands and lived to tell the tale, you two shouldn't be any different"
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Ok, i don't know (otherwise i would have added it in) who is in your herd and who is tresspassing so you should think about adding that in. otherwise it was great, just add a bit more discription thats all! (note thats ALL i did) i actually really like your style, can you consider joining my site? (here's the url, Calamus)
overall rating 9/10
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Roxx
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Karma: 0 | | Re: RP Tips?
« Reply #2 on Feb 25, 2009, 8:30pm » | |
Hmmm.... pretty good. It's a bit long, and as an introduction paragraph it's a good length. Honestly, I usually keep my posts sharp, descriptive, and to the point, but I don't do a lot of horse roleplays. Just be careful you don't spin out too much - adjectives may be pretty, but substituting actions work just as great. It's not a problem too much in your post, it's just something to pay attention to in the future.
The first two sentances, though, don't seem to fit. Most of the sentances can be adjusted to puzzle lock together, instead of awkwardly being placed.
When the stallion steps on bones, it's a slight change in mood. Just slapped on, if you get my drift. Just randomly placed there, similar to, 'Oh, there's a fly on a couch.' Just 'pausing' isn't enough. Especially when your a stallion that's as powerful as hell. Don't just pause, halt! Slow! Drift! Use some powerful word! Don't just settle for a wimpy one!
Ebony also annoys me. Ebony is attached to the color of a white bony color, and isn't great for stallions who are black. I also discourage using the word 'raven' for a description. It sets a feathery, dark, insany, and trickery mood, while for a stallion, makes the stallion seem more mangy. While you can get past saying people have raven hair while keeping their manly hood in tact, comparing a raven to the darkness of the color of the stallion doesn't fit accordingly.
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